i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
