you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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