I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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