Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
