Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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