the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
