im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
