Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
