I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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