Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
