Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
