as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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