So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
