i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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