After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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