when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
