You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
