Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
