Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
