Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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