for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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