flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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