I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
