remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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