i was born a porn star she said
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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