the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
