I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
