Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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