why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
