Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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