you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
