I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
