matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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