I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All the doctor said was why
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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