the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
