Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
