Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
