Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
