The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
