just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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