my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
