you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
