The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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