How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
