You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
