yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
