he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize