he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You left your underwear on the fireplace
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
