very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
