You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
