i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
