you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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