Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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