my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
