Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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