My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
