We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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